Oh, You like that… Well you are OBJECTIVELY wrong!

~Disclaimer: This piece is intended as satire and should be considered as such.~

Wait what?

You heard me. You’re wrong.

That model is crap and you’re crap for liking it, and stupid.

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of Wargaming. Your opinions are dumb, your favorite things suck and your go to game is the work of devils. If you spend any time with the denizens of any wargaming community you will invariably encounter people who hate what you love and aren’t afraid to say it. It’s part and parcel of wargaming and this week I’m going to tell you why it’s a good thing…You heard me, A good thing.

Haters gonna Hate.

They wish they were this cool.

In the big wide world it is going to be hard to get a consensus. On the World Wide Web… let’s just say it’s anti-consensus. In the wargaming community this is the only mathematical constant. Every time you speak your love out loud, the gargoyles swoop in to tell you how expensive your love is, how crappy the rules are and how mentally deficient the people who like it are. They will point out how much better what they love is. How much cooler they are for loving it.

It’s a good thing. It lets you know exactly where you stand. Where not to post. What not to say and where not to say it is a fundamental set of rules that we all need to know. Learning this from the wargaming community will help us in our everyday lives. It’s important in the 21st century to never express any opinion that differs from the status quo, or to spend our money in ways that please ourselves, or to find joy in the simple appeal of a space mushroom mecha miniature.

Come at me …

Most folks don’t grasp this simple immutable fact: The wargames you play and the acceptance they have in the wider community directly represent your worth as a human being and your prowess at sexual reproduction.

What you like probably does suck…like Objectively.

Lets face it. It’s just a silly little plastic man. Painted with pigments mixed with an acrylic polymer. Painstakingly based with tiny synthetic representations of grass and converted battlefield debris. It was probably manufactured by some stupid neckbearded nerdlinger in his moms basement. You most likely waited like a dumbass for the kickstarter rewards to arrive. It nearly turned out to be a scam.

Like take this model here.

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The first is obviously far better than the second, in every metric. Indisputably.

That’s why your fun is stupid. Because your models are bad and so are you. You should just buy what everyone else bought. Get it painted by a pro too. Because let’s face it, your little alternative manufacturer niche game model probably wouldn’t look cool even if you gave it a masterclass paint job because, as we discussed before, it objectively sucks.

What the hell is wrong with you!

It’s okay. We have already decided what’s cool. Stay calm and follow me.

Yep, I used one of these. They are still cool right?

The consensus is in…

Look it’s okay. Calm down, take a deep breath and listen up. It’s hard being wrong about your own opinions. I know, I know, you thought it looked cool. You like the retro look. Its boxxy exterior belied the simple engineering of that space slugs society. Very cute. Very wrong.

Alright I look like a commissar.

But a bunch of us got together and well, we’re louder and more aggressive, and if history has taught us anything, louder more aggressive people should always be put in charge. How else will we tell you what your manifest destiny is?

These mandollies are cool, These are not. These rules are intuitive, these rules are basically notes on a cocktail napkin. If you wanna have fun you’ll just do as we say in this very tightly controlled and structured way. Here is your uniform.

See it’s all good, this is the way it should be…

We can all walk the same way. Talk the same way. We can all buy the same models and give them the same paint jobs.

 

 

Wait…

What the hell…

 

 

 

 

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